Complete Message / Complete Apology

In the corner of my classroom, I have two small posters. One lists the parts of a Complete Message. The other lists the parts of a Complete Apology.

Early in the year, I thoroughly teach my class what each of these mean. Then, when there is a conflict between students, I am able to send them to that corner of the room for a bit of privacy and time, with these reminders of how to rebuild their relationship.

It has met with great success, and brings greater relational health to my classroom. It is also beginning to have an impact on the adults at my school site. 

Here is an explanation of both.

Complete Message

1. When you…

2. I felt…

3. I thought…

4. I need…

1. When you…

         This is a statement of fact. Describe the situation as impartially as possible. No judgements about motive, intentions, or hidden agendas.

If “Presuming Positive Intentions” may be difficult, but at least try to “Presume NEUTRAL Intentions”.

2. I felt…

3. I thought… (These could be in either order: “I thought”, then “I felt”)

         Own your own feelings and thoughts. No “you made me feel…”. Just a description of what you experienced. Since these thoughts and feelings occurred “when you…”, the suggestion is that the event played a large part in those thoughts and feelings.

         This stage might be tricky. “I felt that you…” might not be received well. You’ve lapsed into accusation at this point.

4. I need…

         Without this piece, the listener to this “complete message” might wonder, “What’s the point?” Perhaps you’ll need an apology, or some discussion about how things could be better next time. Perhaps there’s a way that things could be repaired. This step is where you describe what you think could help heal the relationship.

Complete Apology

1. I’m sorry…

2. That I…

3. because________.

4. Here’s how things will be different next time.

1. I’m sorry…

         Or, “sorry.” This is where we DON'T want students to stop. Adults don’t want to hear this word alone, either. By itself, this is pointless and without real meaning.

2. That I…

         Mention exactly what you did that caused hurt. It will be meaningful to hear you own your actions.

         Don’t say “I’m sorry that you felt hurt…” This might be perceived as avoiding responsibility, and will not be very meaningful.

3. because________.

         You need to mention why this was not OK for you to do. What’s wrong with what you did? This will be extremely meaningful to hear.

4. Here’s how things will be different next time.

         Most of the time, the person being apologized to needs to know that you won’t do it again. Here is an opportunity to explain what you will try to do differently next time.

Many thanks for teaching me about these ideas goes to:

Ron Claassen, from the Center for Peacemaking and Conflict Studies at Fresno Pacific University

and

Delores Friesen, PhD, Profesor Emerita of Pastoral Counseling at Fresno Pacific University

Thanks to Edutopia for stimulating the conversation, which prompted me to write this up as a blog post! 

Best Practices for Bringing Your Best

The other night, in the class I am teaching at Fresno Pacific University, I and my students were all struck by a particular passage in our textbook, "What Connected Educators Do Differently", by Whitaker, Zoul, and Casas.

We reflected on what the authors refer to as "best practices for bringing our best to our job every day". I hope this list challenges and inspires you as much as it did us.

•They bring their best to their organization every day, whatever their best may be that day. They are grateful for the opportunity to make a positive impact on a child every day.

•They are intentional with their time and make the effort to connect personally with students and staff on a daily basis and then follow up with a quick word or note. They realize that even the smallest gesture of kindness can make all the difference to the person to whom it was extended.

•They are empathetic. They take time to understand, share, and be sensitive to another person’s feelings in order to foster a culture of trust. They recognize that every student and staff member will face some sort of personal and professional challenge at some point in time and they are sensitive to this fact. 

•They value mistakes and failure as learning opportunities. When they themselves make a mistake, they own it, apologize, and work to make sure it does not happen again. When they fail, they reflect on the experience as a way to see what they can learn for future attempts. 

•They model forgiveness—they are sincere in accepting apologies and moving on. They believe that most people’s intentions are good. 

•They understand they will not always see immediate results when working with kids. They are patient and think long term. They do not take things personally. They have figured out that many kids are just testing a system which had failed them long before that particular teacher came into the picture. 

•They have high standards for all kids every day. They do not make excuses for kids based on race, socioeconomic class, environment, or poor parenting. They truly believe in all kids all of the time and, more importantly, they love them as though they were their own. 

•They acknowledge inappropriate behavior of kids. They understand that by not doing so, they are sending a message that the misbehaving student is not worth their time or that they have given up on them. They have come to learn that if they hesitate to correct poor behavior, they have become part of the problem. 

•They bring positive energy every day. They know that complaining and talking negatively about kids, staff, or the work environment without offering a solution says more about them than it does about who or what they are complaining about. They take time to smile and laugh and encourage others to have fun.

These are traits that we hope to exhibit (on our good days!), which have very little to do with technology, a PLN, or anything in the course. However, working on a PLN is all about relationships, and this list is all about relating to each other in a healthy way. It is about healthy relationships, a healthy school site. It is a great list of ways that we can love our neighbor as ourselves, with deep respect... our neighbors being our students, our school-site colleagues, and our PLN-colleagues... ways we can do this with respect for ourselves, as well.